there is no easy way to deal with overbearing parents. They come in a walks and sizes, because they are individuals, just like their children. Some hover, some yell, some are insistent, and some are abusive. Most have one thing in common – they love their children. It may not seem like it to you, the recipient of the haranguing behavior, but these parents are often the ones who want to be (or are) highly involved in their child’s life. The key is learning how to redirect the parent’s attention from you back to their child.
One important element to interacting with difficult parents is to document everything. When the child has a color change (or whatever your consequences are), write down the action and the consequence. You should also write down any other redirection that you tried before giving the official consequence. For example, the child received a warning for the first infraction and was reminded of the expectations. Another infraction occurred and he then received the consequence. A written record of this will help when meeting and/or speaking with this parent in regards to the child’s behavior. You then have a running record that details exactly what the child did, how you responded, and the ultimate consequences for that behavior. This type of documentation also helps the principal support you when in a confrontation with the parent. I cannot say enough about documenting everyth ing! It will be your saving grace whenever dealing with parents and administrators.
Documenting behavior can take up a lot of time, especially if you have an overactive class. However, there are a few ways you can ease the burden a bit. One is to have a clipboard handy with a spreadsheet showing student names down the side and expectations across the top. When a student is in violation of one of the expectations, simply mark a “1” in the appropriate column next to the student’s name. You might also use letters to key in your actions. For example (1W might mean 1st offense, warning). This takes less time than writing everything out by hand. If you have multiple classes, use manila folders with the spreadsheet stapled on the inside right. Label each folder by class period. Then, before a parent phone conference or meeting, transcribe the incidents into a written report you can refer to during the meeting. There are other ways as wel l to help you in documenting student behavior. Some districts have programs available through the computer to help teachers record and keep track of student behavior.
Secondly, keep your principal informed. When you have issues with the student and run-ins with the parents, let your principal know via personal conversations and email. When you first realize you have a difficult parent, sit down with the principal. Explain what is happening in the classroom and how you've been approached, accosted, etc. by the parent. This helps your administrator better deal with the parent when he/she shows up in the office. Principals hate being taken by surprise and many will end up supporting the parent instead of you simply because the only side of the story they know at that point is the parent's. It also doesn’t hurt to ask the principal for advice on how they might deal with this parent. Your administrator has specialized training in interpersonal skills as well as a lot of experience of their own in dealing with difficult parents. You will fi nd them to be a valuable support resource.
Third, don't back down. With documentation to support your actions, there is no need for you to do so. When speaking with an angry or aggressive parent, the best way to handle it is to listen before talking. First, listen to their concerns without interrupting. I know it is difficult to sit and listen to a diatribe, but it will help in the end. Once the parent has finished venting their feelings, they often feel better and are more open to listening to you. You might want to jot down notes to help you remember what was said. Do not speak or defend your actions at this point. Once the parent is finished, let him/her understand that you have heard and understand their concern. Next, restate the child's behavior (or the issue being discussed), restate your position and actions, then ask for support from the parent with the child's behavior and/or discuss a course of action to hel p change the child's behavior.
Ex: "Mrs. X, Thank you for sharing your concern about 'John's' recent color change. I know how disappointed he is that he made a bad choice in class and had to change it to yellow. As I'm sure you can understand, it is unsafe to have children throwing crayons across the classroom. This is disruptive to the class and can end up in another child getting hurt. One of our classroom expectations is (insert appropriate expectation here). In order to maintain a healthy and positive classroom environment, it is important that I consistently reinforce these expectations. Unfortunately, 'John' made a bad choice today by throwing crayons across the room. We talked at length about making better choices in the future. If you would please talk with 'John' at home about making good choices while I talk to him about it at school, hopefully together we can help him make better choices in class and stay on green. Do you have any other suggestions for what we might do to help 'John' make better choices both in school and at home?"
If the parent interrupts, or tries to interrupt (which very well may happen), simply say, "Mrs. X., I understand you are concerned/upset about what happened, but we cannot help ‘John’ if we do not listen to one another and try to work together. I promise, as soon as I finish explaining what has been happening in class, I will be happy to listen again to anything further you have to say." Be firm about it.
Notice in both conversations above that the focus is not on you and what you've done, but on 'John' and what he's done. It is very important to keep the focus of the discussion on the student. You didn't make the bad choice, the student did. By giving the consequence, you are trying to teach him to make better choices. This is what the parent needs to understand. Many parents who defend their badly behaved children want to make the issue about you. Don't let them. Keep it about their child. When the parent says, "You aren't being fair to my child. Last week he told me so and so did X and got away with it." Respond with, "It is understandable to be disappointed and upset when 'John' makes poor choices. I was also disappointed and sad that he had to move his color because of his choice to throw crayons across the classroom." Don't respond about the other chil d who is not their concern.
Just remember to always keep your focus on the student and the choices he/she has made. When offering suggestions, make sure you phrase them so it is clear you and the parent are working together to help the child. "What can we do to help x?" or "I think that if we ..., it will help x make better choices."
Now, even though overbearing parents can be frustrating to us as teachers, I also want you to put yourself in their shoes. Keep in mind that many of these parents are highly involved in their child’s life. For the first five years they were in complete charge of their child’s learning experiences. Once the child goes to school, and they no longer have a clue as to what he/she is doing all day. It is very hard for these kinds of parents to let their children go in the hands of another adult.
At that point, the child is making choices without the parent(s) there to guide and teach. Many of the choices made by the student may be embarrassing for the parents, which often leads to denial. If you find a parent who is constantly calling or emailing questioning each consequence, homework assignment, or activities done during the day, try to be patient. Parents often feel helpless when it comes to their children in school. They stay in constant contact (which can sometimes seem like harassment) with the teacher as a way to be informed and feel in control of the situation.
As a parent, if my son makes a bad choice and I'm there to reprimand and teach him to make a better choice, I have control over the situation. When my son comes home with a color change and I have no idea what he did to earn that consequence, I feel helpless. What did he do? Was there anything I could have done to help him make better choice? The lack of knowledge is upsetting, especially to parents who have been intimately involved with every aspect of their child's life up to that point. Until they come to grips with the fact that their child is an individual and not an extension of themselves, you will find yourself dealing with a highly inquisitive and demanding parent. Unfortunately, for some this doesn’t happen until after the child has graduated from college.
Many parents who are problems for teachers become less so as they are more informed. Sending home notes, keeping parents informed about choices made and actions taken can cut off potential problems before they occur. For example, if you sent home a note explaining that 'John made a poor choice in class by ____, resulting in a color change to yellow', most parents will then have a discussion with their child about the choice made and will support the consequence. (Obviously you will still have those aggressive parents who will huff and puff that the choice wasn't so bad. You'll never get rid of those, unfortunately.)
However, if a concerned and involved parent sees a report showing a color change with no explanation, and gets the usual response of "I don't know" or some story from their child, you are far more likely to get an angry email or phone call demanding to know what happened. How does the parent know that their child isn't telling the truth? They haven't heard any facts from you to help them better judge. By giving the parent information up front, you take the wind out of their sails. The child has less of an opportunity to make up some story about what happened. This doesn’t mean, of course, that they won’t try and blame their choices on someone else. That is merely human nature. It also doesn’t mean that some parents will still believe their child’s lie over the report sent home by the teacher.
As a parent, I can tell you from first hand experience that when my son has teachers who ignore my questions, don’t send home any kind of information or explanation about my son’s behavior or grades, and have as little interaction with me as possible, I can be a very difficult parent. I had one teacher in particular who was so contrary and unhelpful to me as a parent, that I complained, wrote letters to the district, and was constantly in the principal’s office with demands. However, for the teachers who make the effort to get to know me at the beginning of the year, who call or email when my son makes a bad choice, and who make an effort to keep me informed, I am absolutely their best cheerleader and supporter. I rave about them to everyone I know. Whatever they need – I try to get it for them. And when my son makes poor choices in class, he suffers th e consequences. Then, when he comes home complaining, instead of sympathizing, I support the teacher’s action.
Sending notes home, however, can also be time-consuming. As we all know, there often isn’t much time to get it all done. I like to use pre-made forms. These can easily be created on the computer and written in such a way that all I have to do is fill in the blanks or circle a choice.
One example of a form you might use would be a small square or strip that reads, "______________ made a poor choice today by __________________ which resulted in a color change to yellow/red. (or whatever the consequence is)
Another one might read, "__________________ made great choices today! He/she _________________________. I am so proud! You should be too!"
For upper level teachers, go ahead and type out the different consequences on your form. Then you can simply circle the consequence that applies.
These can be easily filled out without too much time and will go a long way towards keeping parents informed quickly about their child’s behavior and/or academics.
These are just a few ways you can deal with difficult parents. Entire books have been written on this subject and this email is probably already longer than most of you wanted to read. If you are looking for further strategies, I highly recommend the book – How to Deal with Parents who are Angry, Troubled, Afraid, or Just Plain Crazy by Elaine McEwan. Click on the link to go directly to information about this book at Amazon.com
If you have any other strategies you use for dealing with angry parents that you’d like to share with us, please email me and I’ll add it to our Idea Share in the next newsletter!
from:
Emma McDonald
Dealing with Difficult Parents.....
Ada yang bilang gampang2 susah dalam berkomunikasi dengan orang tua, kadang kita canggung atau ga enak kalau bilang atau katakjan apa yang terjadi dengan anaknya, ini dia ada solusinya, bagaimana deal with the parent, semoga manfaat....
Recently a new teacher emailed me about dealing with difficult or overbearing parents. Apparently she has a young student who often gets his color changed from misbehavior. The mother has been in constant contact with the teacher since the beginning of the year, continually questioning what is happening in the classroom. Most recently, however, she has begun to be confrontational whenever her son comes home with a color change. I know this is a common problem and thought perhaps I’d address it briefly in our newsletter.
First of all,
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